I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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