you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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