in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
