so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Someone signed my nipple.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
