it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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