Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
