i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
