Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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