Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
