Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
