It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
