I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
my liver is dry heaving
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
