Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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