the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
