I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This is the high leading the old right now
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
