and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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