You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I came so hard my ears popped.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
