Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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