You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
