Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
