Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
