Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
