Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
