kristin has been a bad kristin
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
