Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
