God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
