Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
