You're a womanizer and a bitch.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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