I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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