Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
