She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
