If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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