I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
