So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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