And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
