I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
