So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
