I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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