is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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