and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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