Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
