watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
