I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
