If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think people are normalizing furries
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
