I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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