I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
