the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
