Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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