I puked a lego.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
