so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
As shirtless as possible
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
