Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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