You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
